Laura's Law of Relativity

If I get on a plane with Mia, she will throw up.

Kangaroo

We were travelling last week (without Dad) and even though we were staying with an extremely hospitable friend who had a house full of toys, the kids felt a little insecure and I basically spent every waking moment holding one or the other.

I'm not unmoved by my daughter holding up her arms and bleating "Mama, mama," but after awhile my back was hurting and I was really wishing for just five seconds when someone wasn't touching me. And although I think I am a pretty good mother most of the time I haven't yet figured out how to take a shower or get dressed while holding Mia. I started thinking how nice it would be to have a pocket you could just stuff your kids into when they whine.

Mullet

My daughter has been hair challenged for most of her short life. She was born with hair, but most of it fell out before she was two months old. Now, at fifteen months she's only just starting to get some in on the top of her head. But the little fringe that hung on around the back of her neck has prospered. Today I was looking at her and realized she's looking a lot like certain baseball players....

This is probably not the last time we will have our fashion differences. My Mom bit her tongue - at least most of the time - when I was in high school and college and sporting baggy sweaters, black eyeliner and white pumps (hey, it was the '80s, what can I say). I tell myself that as long as Mia isn't into self mutilation, I'll keep my mouth shut too.

Still, I'm wondering if a little trim might be in order.

My Baby Einstein

We're constantly looking for clues as to what our children will be like when they grow up. Will they be intellectual? Athletic? Musical? Stoners?

My son Miles has a real hair-of-the-dog-that-bit-me personality. We can't tell whether he is extremely brave, or just stupid. Even when he started to walk, at ten months, if he fell he would cry for the briefest second and then wriggle out of your arms and try again. Now, at two, if he stands and falls off a chair, I can't even finish admonishing him before he is right back up there. Leaving me to think that he must be swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.

But there are other times when I'm left speechless by his brilliance. He remembers every restaurant we've been to, and points out the ice cream shop each time we drive by. Today we drove past the airport and I told him that we'd be taking a plane in a few weeks to go back east and see some friends and cousins. He immediately said "and the lady comes and brings us pretzels." He has not been on a plane in seven months (or twenty percent of his little life) and he still remembers the flight attendant who brought him a snack.

Which confirms in my mind. If it has to do with food, Miles is Einstein.

You Know Your Car is REALLY Dirty When

your visiting 9 year old nephew proclaims from the backseat "It's a pigsty back here." Okay, I guess it really is time to clean it...

Police State?

Lest it seems like all I worry about are clothes, showers and grey hair, I'm also worried about what kind of country my children will grow up in.

Two things are worrying me in particular these days.

First, I'm worried about the fact that journalists are now revealing their confidential sources. What's going to happen to the free press? What's next? Do we lose attorney/client priviledge? Will psychiatrists have to reveal all of their clients' secrets?

Second, I'm worried about the increasing partisanship of American politics. Republicans line up behind republicans, democrats behind demos. It seems to me that people are defending the most indefensible things in the name of their parties. When did everyone lose the ability to think for themselves?

Clothes

I'm starting to obsess about clothes. I was OK with looking lousy through my pregnancy and in the months beyond. But my daughter is now 15 months old and I really feel that it is time to move on.

I want a new wardrobe. I want things that are funky and unique (not too unique, but not "motherly" either). Also machine washable. With pockets. And inexpensive. Since I'm unemployed, free would be nice. Oh yes, and I want them to be available over the Internet or within walking distance.

As far as I can tell these things don't exist. I realize I'm pathetic for thinking about this, but I can't help it.

Frustration

I have a million things to do -- the car needs to be fixed, we have a mountain of clothes in our bedroom that needs to be moved to goodwill, a perscription is waiting at Walgreen's, etc, etc, etc -- and I sit here powerless because the kids are napping and I can't leave the house.

My friend told me that she knows someone who used to regularly go out when her kids were sleeping and leave the baby monitor at a neighbor's house. If only....

People always say that parenting is about patience. I just didn't realize that the need for patience extended beyond the kids themselves.

More on Hygenie

A couple of weeks ago I met a friend on a Wednesday morning, after I'd taken Mia to swim class and ducked home for a quick shower. She repeatedly admired my "new" haircut and said how much she liked it.

But here's the thing. I hadn't had a haircut in four months.

Now that I'm thinking about hygenie, I'm realizing that she'd just never seen me with clean hair before. It is virtually impossible to take a shower when my kids around around. I used to put Mia in the exersaucer, but now she kicks and screams as if I'm trying to kill her. The only time I can take a shower is when they're napping in the afternoons.

So I realize that I have a whole group of friends that I've met at the playground or playdates or whatever who have never seen me clean. They have no idea what I really look like. I am usually a clean freak, but all of these people would sure never know it to look at me!

Dental Floss

I went to the dentist for a teeth cleaning today and as they were flossing my teeth I realized I hadn't flossed since my last visit six months ago. Not one single time. It isn't that I'm philosophically opposed to flossing. I just forgot about the whole concept. My mind is so full with preschools, playdates and potty training that flossing got lost in the shuffle.

My mind can only hold a proscribed amount of information at any one time. That's why I can still remember Jim Woodruff's phone number from junior high (226-4097) but sometimes having trouble recalling my husband's cell. Or my own.

So in addition to interrupting my sleep patterns, social life and everything else, my kids are affecting my personal hygenie too. I guess that's more than anyone really needed to know...

Circle?

In less than 24 hours last weekend I found out that an old friend died very suddenly (leaving behind three daughters ages 6, 4 and 2) and another friend's child had a horrible accident (from which he will recover, but it will be a long recovery after a week in intensive care and a terrible ordeal for the entire family). In those same 24 hours, a different friend gave birth to twins and another returned from China with a beautiful baby girl.

Somehow it always seems that things happen in bunches like this. I don't want to say something cheesy about the circle of life, or lie that it makes you feel better about losing a friend to know that there are new babies out there, or babies that now have happy homes. I'm still finding myself crying at the drop of a hat.

But it does remind you that good things do happen. And that helps.

The Carwash-Nutrition Connection

My friend Jaclyn has the cleanest car you've ever seen. She's had it for over a year and it still has the new car smell. What's amazing is that she also has two kids. And they ride in the car. Her secret? No food...

I'm a bit of a neat freak, so when I rode in her car I was more than a teensy bit jealous. My car is littered with zip lock bags, petrified cheese stick nubs, melted raisins and bits of carrot muffins. And dried up puddles of milk and juice. A week after we drove to San Diego I found a big hunk of rubbery banana in the well around the seat belt buckle.

So I thought about having the no food rule in our car too. A clean car. How adult! Someday I might wear dry clean only clothes again too.

But here's the problem. My son's attention span is the size of an atomic particle. And unfortunately that extends to eating too. He likes food, and - thankfully - he's back on the vegtables. But he has a hard time sitting still long enough to eat a full dinner. So he does his best eating when he's strapped down - in the car or the stroller.

I can hand him a little bag of carrots in the car, and he'll actually eat them. He's so hungry on the way home from swim class that I could probably give him a bag of sand and he'd eat that too. Some of our best eating is in the car.

So as much as I crave a clean car, I'm just going to have to wait until Miles is less squirmy. Besides, he loves going to the carwash.

Birthday Gifts?

I'll just caveat this by saying that at just 2-1/2, Miles hasn't been invited to a whole lot of birthday parties yet... but he received an invitation today that said (in 12 point type) on the back that the birthday boy likes Jojo and company, available at the Disney store and Amazon.com, as well as Elmo and Thomas the Tank Engine. Oh yeah, and that he wears a size 2T. I know you are expected to bring gifts to parties, but it seems a teensy bit wrong to be told what to get. And where to get it.

Is this customary? I can just imagine the stroke my Mom would have if I did that...

Pulling My Hair Out

In the past week I’ve noticed an explosion of grey hairs on my head. I don’t know whether to blame it on my son’s terrible twos or my impending fortieth birthday, but whatever the cause… there they are.

I used to jazz up my mousy brown hair with blonde highlights, but I’ve been growing them out for the past year under the principle that I want to set an example of good self image to my daughter. I don’t want her to grow up feeling like she has to change herself in some way to improve herself.

And yet I can’t quite accustom myself to the fact that they are there, and taking over. At this rate I can’t keep plucking them or I’ll go bald. I don’t have a lot going for me these days…. exercise is basically a distant memory, manicures are an irregular habit at best. If I can spend two hours in a chair three times a year and give myself a little sparkle, it is probably worth the investment.

So I made an appointment for highlights next week. My daughter, after all, is only fourteen months old. There’s lots of time to set a good example.