Don't judge a book by its pages

I'm writing a book. Okay, to be totally honest, it is really just a chapter. Although the idea first came to me about ten years ago, it was only last summer that I started in earnest. My boss, Barbara (who is, by the way, a published novelist), told me that if you just write a page every day you can be done in a year. Unfortunately I'm a year in, and I'm still working on the opening scene.

Clearly Barbara doesn't need to endlessly rethink each scene over and over again the way I do. (Should it be fall or spring? Do they meet at a party or a museum? Does she have a child from her previous marriage?) It would be nice if I could finish my book, but I've given up hope of really doing it - at least any time this decade. Even so, I don't want to give it up.

Sure, it's one part vanity. People I know from college are running companies, managing magazines, publishing books, editing films, and managing TV news shows, while I struggle to finish the laundry, pick up carpool, and get my kids to school on time. Even though my book is very much a work in progress, I can project the sense of "being in the game" if I'm at least working on a book.

But it's much more than what I project to the outside world. My book also keeps me from feeling badly about my current failures. While I do many things - work, parent, yoga, volunteer at our school - I'm not particularly good at any of them. My job performance may be mediocre, my kids may run wild at a restaurant, or my sink may be piled high with dishes, but I feel a little better when I can say to myself, "well at least I'm writing a book."

Sometimes my life feels overwhelming. I have two kids that are in two separate elementary schools. My son is really struggling with dyslexia. My husband travels a lot. Last year our dishwasher, car, furnace, and refrigerator all broke. I work half time. I rarely have time to see my friends (the ones I have left). My jeans are too tight.

My two saving graces are my yoga classes (which give me the peace of mind to deal with my kids) and my book. When I get stressed out by my current reality, I can escape by worrying about my protagonist's relationship with her mother, or where she and her impossibly handsome boyfriend will first have sex. It's easier - and a whole lot more fun - than worrying about my own problems.

"Real" writers always say that you need to fully commit. That you need to forget about running out of ketchup, or keeping up with all of your friends, or getting anywhere on time. I'm not in a position right now where I can fully commit to anything more than trying to get my kids to school on time. So it might be a decade before my book is finished. It might not ever be finished at all. But for me, it will be one of the best books I've ever read.

Gotta go work on today's paragraph.