Zero to Sixty in Three Seconds

Nothing in the world can make me as mad - as quickly - as my son. One minute I am standing there, a calm, poised, peaceful parent. And the next I am in a white storm of rage. Usually it happens when we are in a hurry to get out the door. I've rushed him through brushing his teeth, and we're in route to get shoes on, and then he casually stops and starts taking legos out of the drawer. As if he has nothing better in the world to do. As if I haven't said a hundred times in the past three minutes "it's time to go to school." And when I try to move him past the legos, he says, "I just have to do this one thing." Which, if I let him do it, takes about ten minutes. And then we're late for school. Even though we live on the next block. At this point, my head is about to explode.
I've been wondering why it is that Miles can make me so angry, so quickly, when no one else in the world does. It isn't as if his sister is jumping to attention to get her shoes on either. I've concluded that I just have built up a lot of frustration during the six and a half years that he has been ignoring everything I tell him to do.
All I can do at this point is take a deep breath, and try to get myself back down to 20 MPH.

Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth

Warning: Whiny, ungrateful, petulant, selfish thoughts ahead....

It is the end of January and I'm still frustrated about Christmas! I just finished returning the duplicate gifts. I had to drive 1/2 hour to the store to return them, and then 1/2 hour back.

Other gifts came in huge boxes of styrfoam peanuts. Not only bad for the environment, but VERY messy in my house.

But with all these gifts, what my kids really want are Tae Kwon Do lessons. Which cost a whopping $4,000 annually.

And our public school is facing huge budgets cuts, which will not likely be made up for by our largely low income family base.

Here's my wish for the next holidays. I wish instead of toys (which we are already drowning in) that they would give my kids cash. Or even better, give it to the PTA.

But whatever happens, I hope people will keep the peanuts to themselves.

Teach Your Children Well

Yesterday the director of Mia's preschool - who I love and admire - said to me, apropos of nothing, "Have you ever thought of being a preschool teacher? I think you'd be good at it."

First I was shocked. Then I was saddened. She must not know me very well!

Typing Test

I just did the test at typingtest.com. I can type 81 words per minute, with 98% accuracy. Too bad all the other things I learned in life didn't stick with me so well.

Everybody Have Fun Tonight

When Mia was about a year and a half old, we had a transformative family moment. We were in Hawaii, at Ke'e Beach in Kauai. (It is the last beach on the north shore before the NaPali coast - my husband swears it is the most beautiful place on earth.) We were splashing around in the waves, and I suddenly realized that it was the first time since she was born that all four of us were having fun AT THE SAME TIME. Before that if the kids were having fun the parents were miserable. Or if the parents were having fun, the kids were miserable. Sometimes everyone was miserable. But at Ke'e Beach we saw that it was possible for all of us to be having fun at once.

We had another transformative moment this week in Tahoe. Mia graduated to the high speed chairlift, Roundhouse, at Alpine Meadows. Okay, so she has a particular route that she needs to pick her way down. But the important thing is that I'm not stuck on the slow, bunny slope chair that is a unique form of torture. Today we were able to all four ride the chairlift up together, and ski down together. And I didn't want to rip off my helmet and tear my hair out. Yes, skiing with your kids can actually be fun!

Mani Milestone

Today was a major milestone. For the first time, Mia and I went together to get our nails done! I know, at first blush it doesn't sound like much. But this is a cherished activity for me -- and for the past six years I've had to arrange childcare if I want to enjoy it. And this year, I have only a couple of free hours - at best - each week. This morning,I was trying to think of how I could possibly sneak a mani into an already packed week. Then it hit me like a bolt of lightening. Shazaam! Take her!

A few weeks ago, Mia went to a spa birthday party. Which could have been a really disturbing thing, if the parents, friends, and little girl herself weren't so down to earth. As it turned out, it was great fun. And Mia sat quietly as her hair was curled and sprayed with purple glitter, and as her nails were painted blue.

Today, she chose to alternate pink and purple. The manicurist happily indulged what I would consider to be questionable color choices. But most importantly, Mia sat still. She had fun. We both had fun. I was actually able to sit until my own nails were all the way dry. I even got to flip through an issue of People.

I see it as the start of a new era. We'll try pedicures next!

Afterlife

Today I was driving in the car with Mia who was singing along to the Beatles, "Help me if you can I'm feeling down, and I do appreciate your being around..." It occured to me suddenly how great it would be if there was an afterlife and I could meet John Lennon.

It would be worth being good for.

Look Ma! No Training Wheels!

First the tooth, then the training wheels. What accoutrement of childhood will my son lose next??

I am so proud of my little city boy, learning to ride without training wheels!

Milestones

I haven't written in a long time. It has been a very busy fall. We started three schools, and quit two. The good news is that everyone is happy!

But we have had a number of exciting Milestones to report on.

Miles is starting to read - a little bit. He read a few pages of a Dick and Jane book to me last weekend. We've noticed that he is pretty risk adverse and doesn't like to do something unless he knows he can get it right. And also that he doesn't mind asking his little sister for help! But it was quite exciting to see him actually READ.

Miles lost his first tooth! (The fairy brought him $5!!)

And the best of all...
Last weekend, while Mike and I were sleeping, Miles took it upon himself to make us coffee. It was a teensy bit on the weak side, but still quite drinkable. I'm hoping this new development doesn't result in him burning himself, or burning the house down. But it is the start of an exciting trend of him taking care of his parents!!

My Lobotomy

When Mike and I first got married, we got advice from several people that to have a successful marriage you needed to "surrender", to let things that would normally bother you just roll off of your back. My friend David Gunn called it being a duck. Unfortunately neither Mike or I are very good at that, but we try.

The same principal holds true for parenting. You need to be able to roll through tense situations with patience, otherwise you can throw gasoline on the fire of your children's tiredness, emotion, and naughtiness.

This isn't always easy for me. But things are so much better now that I have had my lobotomy. Things that used to drive me crazy don't seem to bother me any more. You need the pink cup? Fine! Want me to make oatmeal after I already scrambled eggs? Sure! Need to run around the grocery store like a lunatic grabbing everything that contains sugar? No problem! Want to mumble "stupid, stupid, stupid" under your breath for five minutes? Go right ahead!

It is a special lobotomy. I have to listen to the same Jam CD in the car over, and over, and over, and over again. And drink a lot of pinot gris. But still, it seems to be working.

The Good Old Days

Heard on "Mad Men" tonight... "you wouldn't be the man you are today if your father didn't hit you." I love my kids, but this afternoon I was tempted!!

Visiting the East Coast

We had a great trip back east - although I will think twice before I take the kids to Manhattan again. The highlight for me was Lake Winnepesauke, in what Miles kept calling "New Hampster." Finally Mia had to ask where the Old Hampster was...

Anyway, I think this picture sums up the bliss that is visiting the east coast with your cousins...

Sign of the Times

I tried (unsuccessfully) this week to book a babysitter with whom I communicated exclusively via text messaging...

This is a scary concept for me... Am I going to be forced to keep up with the technology curve if I want to have childcare?

Full Circle

Having learned the hard way that you need to order anything you want from a catalog within two weeks of receipt of said catalog or the size and color you want will be sold out (if you are talking about ANYTHING in black, size small you have just one week). Which is why I will look like crap all summer because even though I was sharp enough to order a beach cover up, I didn't get around to a bathing suit until it was TOO LATE.

I've already ordered Mia's back to school chocolate brown Mary Jane's from Lands End. They are darn cute. It occured to me as I opened the box, that we're coming full circle. Isn't Lands End owned by Sears? Did I own anything before age 12 that wasn't from Sears? Oh, how I loved my navy blue slip on sneakers...

It Was Bound to Happen

when your gadget freak child starts learning to read....

Miles turned on the Tivo today and found his own Curious George show.

That's Entertainment

As part of replacing my '80s cassettes with CDs, I recently purchased the Jam. And I'd completely forgotten how much I loved the song "That's Entertainment" from 1980. It's really one of the best songs ever -- even on the Rolling Stone top 500 of all time list -- and the more you play it the better it gets. My kids have probably heard it at least 30 times in the car. Miles is running around the house singing "slashed seat affairs!" Anyway, here's the video.

I think the song is an ironic take on the "That's Entertainment" movies from the '70s, which were these incredibly upbeat documentaries on the golden age of Hollywood Musicals. The song has a beautiful acostic guitar constrasted with gritty lyrics. It's hard to understand everything Paul Weller says, so I had to look up the words, but the opening lines, sung over a light acoustic sound are "a police car and a screaming siren, pnuematic drill and ripped up concrete...." It's brilliant.

So as my creative exercise for last week I decided to take a crack at it from my own perspective as a Mom in the new millenium.

Paul Weller's version:
A police car and a screaming siren
A pnuematic drill and ripped up concrete
A baby waiting and stray dog howling
The screech of brakes and lamplights blinking -
that's entertainment.

A smash of glass and the rumble of boots
An electric train and a ripped up 'phone booth
Paint splattered walls and the cry of a tomcat
Lights going out and a kick in the balls -
that's entertainment.

Days of speed and slow time Mondays
Pissing down with rain on a boring Wednesday
Watching the news and not eating your tea
A freezing cold flat and damp on the walls
that's entertainment.

waking up at 6 a.m on a cool warm morning
opening the window and breathing in petrol
an amateur band rehearsing in a nearby yard
watching the telly and thinking 'bout your holidays
thats entertainment

Waking up from bad dreams and smoking cigarettes
Cuddling a warm girl and smelling stale perfume
A hot summers' day and sticky black tarmac
Feeding ducks in the park and wishing you were faraway
that's entertainment.

Two lovers kissing amongst the scream of midnight
Two lovers missing the tranquility of solitude
Getting a cab and travelling on buses
Reading the grafitti about slashed seat affairs
that's entertainment.

Mine:
Late dinner and two screaming kids
Bedtime Now! then folding laundry
Wash the dishes and make the lunches
Sauvignon Blanc and the New York Times
That’s entertainment.

I want the pink cup! and scramble eggs
Sweeping crumbs and picking up legos
Princess toothpaste and putting on sunscreen
Drive your carpool and get late to school
That’s entertainment.

Days of speed and slow time Mondays
Meeting at school on a boring Wednesday
The pediatrician and missing yoga
Can’t find a sitter and crayon on the walls
That’s entertainment

Waking up at 3am and its not yet morning
A leaky pull up and changing the sheets
Kindergarten waitlist for the nearby school
Watching TV and thinking ‘bout your credit card
That’s entertainment

Waking up from bad dreams and making coffee
Plucking greys and no time for a haircut
Jeans too tight and sticky black sweater
Two carts at Trader Joe’s and wishing you were far away
That’s entertainment

Husband watching the Wire at midnight
Two people missing the tranquilty of sleep
Buckle the car seat and go to swim lessons
Looking at United for the lowest fares
That’s entertainment


Stay tuned... I'll be rewriting Stairway to Heaven next! I guess it is safe to say that I have too much time on my hands.

Deceptively Delicious

This will be my first blogger book review.

I was at the library with the kids last week, and while we were checking out, I saw a copy of Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld sitting on the counter. So I checked it out too. This was the first time I've ever checked a cookbook out of the library. But I'd read so much about it - the plagurism allegations and stuff -that I was a little curious.

I'm giving it a thumbs down.

The retro style, which would be cute in an ad or a brochure, is downright annoying in a 100 plus page book. It has only been a few days, and I'm already tired of its pink plaid spine on my counter. Give me the Fleur d'Lys on Julia Child any day.

There are a lot of family references in the book. Even little cartoons of the children chiming in about how much they love the recipes. I'm sorry, but we're talking about Jerry Seinfeld's family here. I loved the Seinfeld show as much as anyone else - probably more since I was so proud that it was our college diner that was featured. But I'm sorry to say, that I'm just not interested in these little Jerries. In fact, I'm pretty turned off if you must know.

There are also many pages of parenting advice. Pages with cartoon Jessicas extolling us on how to get kids to behave at the table or to get kids to pack their own snacks. Jessica Seinfeld? Okay, I'll admit that I'm not such a great mother. But I haven't falledn so low that I need to get parenting advice from the wife of a celebrity....

So finally, and most importantly, there's the whole concept of the book. To sum it up, how to sneak pureed vegtables into other foods so your kids get more nutrition. I'm definitely on board with the sneaking. I regularly add shreded zuchinni into our pizza. But I had to wonder how much nutrition is really added to your kids diet if you sneak a tablespoonful of sweet potatos into the mix for their French Toast. Isn't it all drowned in syrup anyway?

The aspect of recycling food does have some appeal to me. There was a very disturbing article in the New York Times this week about how much food Americans waste. Why not make scrambled eggs the final resting place for our leftover calliflower?

But in the final analysis, I just can't get myself whipped up about this idea. Probably because my kids eat pretty well. It might feel nice to have a freezer full of pureed vegtables that are regularly added to my kids diet. But really, I'm much too lazy.

Matchy Matchy

Today, at the Sports Basement, I found a really cute chocolate brown North Face fleece for Mia. It was so soft, I wished I had one too. So I went over to the women's section and found the same one for myself. Now we will match.

When I was little, my Mom and I had matching dresses - white with red polka dots. I think my doll had one too.

What a difference a generation makes.

Iron? What's that?

My friend Sandy lives in Manchester, England and sends emails every few weeks with updates about her life. She just had baby #4. And she signed off her last email by saying, "I have to go do the ironing." And I was like, wow. You have four kids and you iron. I can't remember when the last time I ironed was. Or even where the iron is!

I remember right after Miles was born going to a birthday party, and a friend with two toddlers was there with the wrinkliest pants I've ever seen. And I thought, "I'll never let myself look like that..."

Yeah, right...

Mia's Ballet Recital